dislocated

yesterday i dislocated my shoulder.

this was the most painful experience i have ever had in my entire life. seriously. and i have a high threshold for physical pain. my jaw and neck muscles are sore now because of all the almost-screams i had to do to make the pain a little more bearable when they popped the shoulder back into its socket.

see those x-rays? the after x-ray is how normal shoulders are suppose to look. the before x-ray shows how my shoulder was dislocated. i'm not a doctor so to me the humerus (upper arm bone) is all way around the socket and it took a huge amount of excruciating pain, loud grunts, almost-screams and pulling and twisting to get it all the way back to its original place.

the doctors in the ust emergency room were incredibly patient with me and very skilled too. i came in at around 10:00 am and was out around noon a bit groggy, my right arm in a sling, prescription for pain killers and the clinic hours for their consulting doctor who i intend to see on wednesday.

i was advised to put an ice pack on my shoulder the first two days and a hot compress for the next two to keep the swelling down. so far there is no pain so i don't need to take the pain killers.

i'm still alive and singing ...



ps:
so how it happened: i was practicing riding the mountain bike with clipless pedals. i was slowing to a stop already but my right foot would not unclip from the pedal. i reached out to the nearby window with my right hand but it was too far but my hand caught the window sill already. the position was wrong and i was too far into the fall so my shoulder gave way. i know better the next time ...

a small story

it began with a band of gold
all shiny and full of promise
eighteen years of bliss
it ends with ashes
veiled behind a silvered tear

- 28 november 2014

were

you weren't really into me. i found that out rather belatedly. i was the second choice, maybe even the third. i wasn't tall enough or rich enough or handsome enough or good looking enough. looking back i was just company because there was no one else around to lavish you with the attention you wanted.

it was a pity because you were huge to me. i was really into you and i was really happy because you were with me. were. i really didn't think about it then but you were looking past me instead of at me. now there isn't enough to show. come to think of it we didn't really show “us” off. i felt disappointed then but i didn't mind so much. i got to make out and i didn't feel lonely. and that fact hid what the relationship was really becoming. i only saw it was good until i stepped back and away for a few years.

a song for my mother

for my beacon,
my north.
my mother.

today

a thousand times i have thought of you today
i saw a thousand thoughts of you today
at school,
near the sea,
always near the sea.

a thousand times i have missed you today
of you i saw,
a thousand fleeting memories,
and a thousand fading pictures
setting with the sleepy sun.

unsaid words

the old songs follow the rain
carrying a chestful of fading pictures,
a blanket full of unfinished dreams,
and a notebook filled with unsaid words.

sometimes,
i enjoy these short visits of almost forgotten memories

sometimes.

underneath

i visited the resting grounds,
the grass still carrying night's tears.

marble and crosses awake to a brightening sky,
guarding the remnants of lives.

underneath is what remains,
but she is not here.

this is not where she stays.

secrets

i understand that people have secrets. i think it becomes a requirement as people grow older. we acquire them through the passage of time, as we go through the trials and travails of this thing we call life. but as i was observing you, you seem to have more secrets than most which i think is ... unhealthy. why do you have so many truths to hide?

it must be lonely -- keeping things to yourself, hiding things that matter to you behind a pained smile. i know its exhausting and it will catch up with you sooner or later.

i think you're a nice person so i hope you find someone to talk to besides yourself.

cloudy skies and rain.

31 may 2014

we laid mom to rest today. it was bright and warm and the skies were a patchwork of heavy clouds. a few steps away from her place is a young pine tree. finding where she is should be easy. as we were lowering her, the skies opened up and it rained. it was cold and it was refreshing. as they were refilling the soil my brother and i came for a closer look -- i suppose to say our final goodbyes.

the reality hasn't hit me yet. i expect it will arrive in waves in the near future. but for now, my mom is still with me.

"memories fade away in time as tears in rain"

now.

like i told a friend, "it feels like i'm in a boat without a paddle and the water is getting stronger". and all i can do is be taken by the currents.

objects

i have a hard time letting go of things. of objects. especially if i've used that thing/object for quite some time. its like i formed some sort of a good working relationship with it that its just difficult letting go.

i have taken to naming objects. my bike frame is called 'chayong', the car's name is 'chong'. i'm selling my car. i'm selling chong. well, its my dad's car but i've been driving it for a good 16 years. its sporty and fuel efficient. i drove it to and from work. i drove it in the middle of the night. i brought my friends, my girlfriend in and out of town with it.

and now i'm selling it. it feels like i'm betraying the car. honest. but i've decided to sell it to help my girlfriend so letting go is easier.

maybe i should stop giving names to objects.

cancer

my girlfriend has cancer.

it came, like the monster that it is, silently and slowly at first. then she had night sweats even on cold nights. then she started losing weight and gets easily fatigued. we had her tested and i guess we caught it early enough that there was a small debate if the biopsy samples were benign or malignant. but the doctor noticed that the cancer was aggressive.

non-hodgkin's lymphoma. now the monster has a name.

that's another name to hate.

sad eyes

you have sad eyes. despite the smile that covers your lips and the apparent bounce in your gait, your eyes are sad. i dare not think of what those eyes see or the thoughts that hide behind them.

but i am a curious bastard. i want to know the story behind the sad eyes. i want to know why they became sad.

names

i changed my name in this blog. because my name hadn't felt that way for a while now.

this video reminds me so much about you. i remember watching the concert on betamax but it felt that we were there in central park as part of the crowd. it was still light when we found our patch of grass just some ways off to the right of the stage near a line of trees. we got comfortable and sat down on the blanket with out bottles of water and waited for the music to start.

i also remember us silently singing along each song we're intimately familar with.

but this was so long ago. time slowly changes a lot of things.

a memory

"aanhin pa ang damo kung patay na ang kabayo?"

an old proverb that my tita used to say. roughly translated, it says,"what use is the grass when the horse is already dead"

i tire

sometimes i tire of people
of prayer
of life.
once i feared waking up empty
but now it seems that its all i do.

you never really believe it until it hits you. until its there at your front steps knocking at your gate. and even after you've opened the door you still have a difficult time believing it.

i'm still in denial. ever the optimist, i am still hoping for the best of the situation.

i don't feel angry yet. angry at the situation. at people. at the world. at life.

at god.

an afternoon in adriatico

she was there
after thousands of miles
she just walks in
and she was there
after a glimpse of familiarity,
a small happy smile,
a small wave of the hand.
after a brief hello
and after a handful of small words
a fleeting handshake
that meant a thousand stars
that meant a farewell
that meant my goodbye.

– 20 january 2014
written for that january 18 afternoon in cafe adriatico

16 february 2014

skin on skin
your warmth mixing with mine
i slip under a blanket of sleep
content.

the background

i've re-taken up photography when i got myself a digital slr camera last september. the photo below (which is my background for this blog) is one of the photos i took of sampaloc lake in san pablo city during one sunrise using a prime lens.

03 january 2014

right past midnight
i look for the feel of her hand
warm and soft among the sheets
i am falling in love again