dislocated

yesterday i dislocated my shoulder.

this was the most painful experience i have ever had in my entire life. seriously. and i have a high threshold for physical pain. my jaw and neck muscles are sore now because of all the almost-screams i had to do to make the pain a little more bearable when they popped the shoulder back into its socket.

see those x-rays? the after x-ray is how normal shoulders are suppose to look. the before x-ray shows how my shoulder was dislocated. i'm not a doctor so to me the humerus (upper arm bone) is all way around the socket and it took a huge amount of excruciating pain, loud grunts, almost-screams and pulling and twisting to get it all the way back to its original place.

the doctors in the ust emergency room were incredibly patient with me and very skilled too. i came in at around 10:00 am and was out around noon a bit groggy, my right arm in a sling, prescription for pain killers and the clinic hours for their consulting doctor who i intend to see on wednesday.

i was advised to put an ice pack on my shoulder the first two days and a hot compress for the next two to keep the swelling down. so far there is no pain so i don't need to take the pain killers.

i'm still alive and singing ...



ps:
so how it happened: i was practicing riding the mountain bike with clipless pedals. i was slowing to a stop already but my right foot would not unclip from the pedal. i reached out to the nearby window with my right hand but it was too far but my hand caught the window sill already. the position was wrong and i was too far into the fall so my shoulder gave way. i know better the next time ...

a small story

it began with a band of gold
all shiny and full of promise
eighteen years of bliss
it ends with ashes
veiled behind a silvered tear

- 28 november 2014

a song for my mother

for my beacon,
my north.
my mother.

cloudy skies and rain.

31 may 2014

we laid mom to rest today. it was bright and warm and the skies were a patchwork of heavy clouds. a few steps away from her place is a young pine tree. finding where she is should be easy. as we were lowering her, the skies opened up and it rained. it was cold and it was refreshing. as they were refilling the soil my brother and i came for a closer look -- i suppose to say our final goodbyes.

the reality hasn't hit me yet. i expect it will arrive in waves in the near future. but for now, my mom is still with me.

"memories fade away in time as tears in rain"

now.

like i told a friend, "it feels like i'm in a boat without a paddle and the water is getting stronger". and all i can do is be taken by the currents.

objects

i have a hard time letting go of things. of objects. especially if i've used that thing/object for quite some time. its like i formed some sort of a good working relationship with it that its just difficult letting go.

i have taken to naming objects. my bike frame is called 'chayong', the car's name is 'chong'. i'm selling my car. i'm selling chong. well, its my dad's car but i've been driving it for a good 16 years. its sporty and fuel efficient. i drove it to and from work. i drove it in the middle of the night. i brought my friends, my girlfriend in and out of town with it.

and now i'm selling it. it feels like i'm betraying the car. honest. but i've decided to sell it to help my girlfriend so letting go is easier.

maybe i should stop giving names to objects.

cancer

my girlfriend has cancer.

it came, like the monster that it is, silently and slowly at first. then she had night sweats even on cold nights. then she started losing weight and gets easily fatigued. we had her tested and i guess we caught it early enough that there was a small debate if the biopsy samples were benign or malignant. but the doctor noticed that the cancer was aggressive.

non-hodgkin's lymphoma. now the monster has a name.

that's another name to hate.

names

i changed my name in this blog. because my name hadn't felt that way for a while now.