cancer

my girlfriend has cancer.

it came, like the monster that it is, silently and slowly at first. then she had night sweats even on cold nights. then she started losing weight and gets easily fatigued. we had her tested and i guess we caught it early enough that there was a small debate if the biopsy samples were benign or malignant. but the doctor noticed that the cancer was aggressive.

non-hodgkin's lymphoma. now the monster has a name.

that's another name to hate.

sad eyes

you have sad eyes. despite the smile that covers your lips and the apparent bounce in your gait, your eyes are sad. i dare not think of what those eyes see or the thoughts that hide behind them.

but i am a curious bastard. i want to know the story behind the sad eyes. i want to know why they became sad.

names

i changed my name in this blog. because my name hadn't felt that way for a while now.

this video reminds me so much about you. i remember watching the concert on betamax but it felt that we were there in central park as part of the crowd. it was still light when we found our patch of grass just some ways off to the right of the stage near a line of trees. we got comfortable and sat down on the blanket with out bottles of water and waited for the music to start.

i also remember us silently singing along each song we're intimately familar with.

but this was so long ago. time slowly changes a lot of things.

a memory

"aanhin pa ang damo kung patay na ang kabayo?"

an old proverb that my tita used to say. roughly translated, it says,"what use is the grass when the horse is already dead"

i tire

sometimes i tire of people
of prayer
of life.
once i feared waking up empty
but now it seems that its all i do.

you never really believe it until it hits you. until its there at your front steps knocking at your gate. and even after you've opened the door you still have a difficult time believing it.

i'm still in denial. ever the optimist, i am still hoping for the best of the situation.

i don't feel angry yet. angry at the situation. at people. at the world. at life.

at god.

an afternoon in adriatico

she was there
after thousands of miles
she just walks in
and she was there
after a glimpse of familiarity,
a small happy smile,
a small wave of the hand.
after a brief hello
and after a handful of small words
a fleeting handshake
that meant a thousand stars
that meant a farewell
that meant my goodbye.

– 20 january 2014
written for that january 18 afternoon in cafe adriatico

16 february 2014

skin on skin
your warmth mixing with mine
i slip under a blanket of sleep
content.

the background

i've re-taken up photography when i got myself a digital slr camera last september. the photo below (which is my background for this blog) is one of the photos i took of sampaloc lake in san pablo city during one sunrise using a prime lens.

03 january 2014

right past midnight
i look for the feel of her hand
warm and soft among the sheets
i am falling in love again